May 23, 2015 by


Every night for the last eight months or so, I’ve come home from work, put on my glittery pink latex suit, and climbed into the ring to wrestle a horse.

I’m not much of a wrestler; I’m not exactly sure of the rules. I do know you’ve got to put on a bit of a show, give off a bit of bravado and whip up the crowd. That’s not something I’m very good at.

The horse is confused and angry. He was not consulted on this. Have you ever tried to wrestle a horse? Jesus, it’s strong. It’s got that big old head, and Christ, the hooves. The hooves, man.

It’s not the horse’s fault. It was just hanging around, being a horse, and now I’ve come along to persuade it to be a wrestler, and to fight with me.

‘I don’t want to. If you’re going to make me, I will kick you, Nick Gill. I will kick you with my hooves’

Please don’t kick me, horse.

‘I will. I will kick you. Get off. I have teeth, too’

You’re a herbivore. You don’t want to bite me.

‘No, I don’t. But I will, because you’re making me wrestle you’

That’s against the rules of wrestling, horse.

‘You don’t know that. You’re not a wrestling expert. Just because you’ve got the pink sparkly suit doesn’t make you a wrestler

You’re being mean. We’re supposed to co-operate, and put on a show for the nice people.

‘Fuck ’em. I’m a horse. I’ll give them a ride, if you like. I could maybe manage a bit of gymkhana at a stretch, but I’m not wrestling’.

I’m sorry, horse. They’ve told me I’ve got to wrestle you. They’re paying me to wrestle you.

‘You do remember about the hooves?’

And the teeth, yes.

‘I’ll win, you know. I’m really big. And you’re shit at wrestling’.

I know. I’ve still got to wrestle you.

And then I leap at the horse’s neck and do my best to hang on for a couple of minutes, before it inevitably flings me into a hedge with a toss of its powerful, modernist head.

‘Told you’.

I know, horse.

See you tomorrow?’

God, horses are strong.

Kafkataur illustration by the spectacular Leander Deeny. Buy his book.

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